"What about how I feel?"
I've been working with a client to help her use her voice with her mother to set boundaries and create a healthier dynamic between them.
When she approached her mother to share her feelings about a difficult situation recently, this was her mother's response.
And her mother's response is one of the reasons why this young woman avoids telling her mother how she feels.
Because she's left feeling unheard and supported while upsetting her mother.
So rather than asking for what she needs, she's caught in a cycle of protecting her mother from her own difficult feelings.
But its at the cost of what is true to her, which as we know, will not serve her in future relationships.
It’s too much.
When our mothers reactions bid us to take care of them, it's too much.
Shout it from the rooftops!
I 👏🏽 am 👏🏽 not 👏🏽 responsible 👏🏽 for 👏🏽 your 👏🏽 feelings 👏🏽
When women aren’t listened to or heard, they bring these dynamics to their mother-daughter relationship and fight over who gets to be heard.
This is when mothers make comments like, “What about how I feel?”.
I see this over and over with the mothers and daughters I’ve worked with.
Well intentioned mothers can struggle to support their daughters if they are not emotionally supported themselves.
When we remember that the flow of care goes from mother to daughter, then we can end the cycle of asking our daughters to take care of our feelings.
If you need something, speak it. Say it loud and proud.
Express how you feel and ask for what you need.
But don’t beg to be heard and taken care of by your daughter because you're setting yourself up for a difficult dynamic.
Instead, lean on your partner, your mother, friends or network of support.
When we are emotionally supported, we will stop feeling neglected and our mother-daughter relationship will thrive!